Infants to about 2 years

An infant doesn't have any understanding of death. He reacts to the emotions of the people around him, sensing anxiety, anger, fear, etc. He instinctively responds to being abandoned if his parents suddenly are physically and/or emotionally absent. He may get a skin rash or want to be held all the time.

A very young child may react to feelings by being cranky or crying.  Parents should let others take over their responsibilities so they can be with the child. Keep his routine consistent in stressful times like this.

Pre-school Age – 2 to 5 years

A pre-schooler doesn't understand that death is final. It is seen as temporary and reversible. She may think the person is sleeping; being punished for doing something bad; or that their thoughts caused the death. She may think that dead people live underground.

Cartoon characters return in the next show after dying. In play, a child may pretend to shoot someone who comes back to life after dying. Logically, she may ask when Uncle Bill is coming back.

A pre-schooler may go back to bed-wetting, thumb-sucking, baby talk or fear of the dark. They may not want to be left at school. There may be talk like, “We're going home but Uncle Bill isn't because he's dead.” or “Susie can't have her doll because she's dead.”

Use simple explanations. Tell her what to expect at the funeral and after as the family grieves. Use ‘dead/death,' not ‘passed' or ‘asleep' since using these words in relation to death may be confusing. Keep routines in place. You may have to answer the same questions often as she seeks reassurance.

School Age – 5 to 11 years

At this age, a child understands that death is final but may think only seniors or people in accidents die. After age ten he sees the natural order of things and that death may even happen to him.

At this age, the reaction is more complex. There may be crying, a headache or sore throat. He may show anger at the person who died or not believe the death occurred. A return to earlier skills or behavior may show up in lower grades, daydreams, or withdrawal from friends/family. He may refuse to go to school or family events; show the symptoms of the person who died; or fear he will die the same way at the same age.

Simple, clear explanations ease fears. Tell him he may suddenly feel grief at family holidays. Let him know that this is natural and he may or may not feel like crying. Listen carefully to what he says. Show him you respect his feelings as being important.

Classmates may say, “I heard your sister died. Cool!” This is usually because they haven't experienced death, not because they are cruel. They're curious and don't know how hurtful these comments are. Find out about the child's experience at school and ask the teacher to help the class support him.

If a friend or classmate died that you didn't know, it's important that you support the child by listening and acknowledging his feelings.

Teen Years – 12 to 18 years

At this age, a child knows what death is. In her grief, she may mention suicide to be with the dead person. Her immaturity and today's movies and cartoons may have her believing that suicide is reversible. Usually, the child isn't serious about committing suicide but it is crucial that you listen, discuss and acknowledge her feelings. Talk with the doctor if you are worried.

Teens are torn between wanting independence and having family support. They may act angry and aggressive or aloof and unconcerned. Preoccupation with the person who died; acting immaturely; or trying to defy death by taking dangerous risks are ways that teens deal with death. They may also criticize their parents or blame them for the death or blame themselves.

Simple, honest explanations and discussions that respect the teen's ideas and feelings are very important. Encourage them to speak to a trusted adult outside the family if they need to talk. Parents should hug their child and tell them they are loved and ask for their input when considering changes in the family as a result of the death.