Griefworks BC – Bereavement Words

Bereavement Phrases That Don't Work

Sometimes, because we think we don't have the right words to express our condolences to a person or family who is grieving, we will pull out the old, worn out phrases that may sound helpful but are really not.

We don't know what to say, so we might come up with the following cliches:

"Your loved one is in a better place. They don't have to suffer anymore."
The griever actually knows that their loved one isn't suffering anymore. But they are! And they would give anything to have them here with them, not anywhere else, better place or not!

"If you look around, there's always someone worse off."
Right now, the griever feels like there isn't anyone worse off than them. They have just lost a treasured loved one and can't imagine anything worse.

"Keep your chin up."
When all they want to do is wail, scream, cry, yell, swear, curse and rage, they do not want someone to tell them to just cut that all off and carry on.

"You had many wonderful years together. You're fortunate."
And they would give anything, make any bargain, trade anything to have more years. This loved one shouldn't have died. Their life may have really just begun.

"You're only given as much as you can handle."
Who made that one up? They want to tell you that you have no idea how much they have already handled and now it feels like they can't go another step.

"Remember, it's God's will."
They may want to tell you that they can't understand how God could cause them so much despair. And they may want you to understand that they cannot accept this horrible act as a caring God's will.

"Be thankful that you have other children at home."
They want to acknowledge their healthy children at home but also tell you that this child was as precious as the other children. No one will ever replace this child in their life.

"You can have other children."
They probably can't think about the next minute, never mind the future. Right now, they are in agony because their child died! They have no interest in anything else. And another child will never replace this child.

"Count your blessings."
In this state of mind they probably can't, in their wildest imagination, consider all this pain, anger, emptiness, frustration and fear a blessing. They want to have these feelings acknowledged and supported, not have to worry about your discomfort.

"You have to be strong for the children."
They may want to tell you that they can't be strong for themselves, never mind other people. And they may want to know who will support them as they feel themselves falling apart.

"I know just how you feel."
No, you don't! No one else can know how this terrible pain feels. Everyone's feelings are uniquely theirs. Acknowledge the feelings by naming them and listening to their story.

"Now you have to be the man/woman of the house."
Telling a child that they have to do something that they know they can't do is frightening, confusing and overwhelming for them. At any level, this phrase makes absolutely no sense.

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