Loss and Bereavement
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Grief Guidelines for Children Supporting Your Children

Children in Grief - Do . . .
  • understand that you can't hide feelings from children, no matter what you say, so don't worry about saying the 'right' words.
  • understand that cliches can be very hurtful. Don't find something good about the death, e.g. "Aren't you glad Mommy doesn't hurt anymore?" "Isn't it wonderful that God's love was shared at the funeral?"
  • understand that children may have intense grief. To underestimate their grief is not honouring their grief.
  • know that some children in grief cry and some don't. Both may be equally affected. Tears are not always necessary with grief.
  • honour the child's feelings of pain and loss. Trying to protect the child from feelings of pain and loss doesn't allow them to feel comfortable with you. They know they have the feelings but cannot express them freely around you.
  • know that the child will respond to the loss. And please don't assume the child will respond to the loss like you have. Each grief journey is unique.
  • give the child the time they need to grieve in their own way. Please don't push the child to talk about it. A child will tell us how he feels in the way he is able and it's usually through his behaviour.
  • have the courage to show your feelings in front of the child. Sometimes adults are reluctant to cry in front of the child. Tears give the child permission to be real, too.

  • include the child in the family sadness. Please don't shut the child out by sending him to the babysitter or to watch a movie.

  • let the child grieve a dead pet before replacing it with another pet.

  • understand that children can only handle bits and pieces of grief at a time. A child may not always want to talk about death.

  • understand that children in grief cannot take over the role of the either of their parents. Please don't say, "Now you're the man or woman of the house."

  • understand that children are wise in the ways of grief. They seem to know that showing their pain or suffering may add to their parents suffering so may keep their own grief hidden. Please don't allow the child to assume the role of emotional caregiver to the parents.

  • know that when people are grieving, sometimes their appetite disappears for awhile. Don't worry about the child's poor appetite. Give plenty of liquids.

  • tell the child the truth about their loss - that it may always hurt to think about the person who dies but that it will gradually hurt less.

  • understand that children are concrete thinkers. Using abstract language to soften the death is confusing to children. Instead of saying, "Grandpa passed away," say, "Grandpa died." They may not know what passing away means.

  • tell the truth about the possibility of your own death. Don't promise that you won't die. You can say, "I think I will live until I am very, very old but no one knows for sure."

  • treat the child in grief like you treat the other kids. Please don't single out a grieving child for special privileges in a school or church setting. Kids usually don't want to be seen as different or weird.

  • say the person's name, for example: "I know your Grandpa died and I'm sure you miss him very much." Please don't be afraid to initiate talking about the death.

  • tell the truth. 'I don't know' is a good answer to 'why' questions.

  • maintain structure, rules, limits. This provides security when children know that some things have not changed.

  • touch, hold, or hug but always with the child's permission.

  • save special items from the person, such as a collection or a piece of clothing, to give the child later.

  • share your faith if it is appropriate for your family. Talk about what your beliefs are on what happens after death.

  • be a good role model. Cry in front of the child. "I miss Grandma."

  • talk about loss and death before a significant death occurs, if possible. Visit a cemetery, use nature, (e.g. a dead bird) for discussion.

  • give the child a choice about going to the funeral but explain what will happen there first. If he is under 8 years old, take along an adult who can leave with him at anytime.

  • tell the child he did not cause the death by his angry thoughts. Try to find out what the child thinks happened by asking them to tell you.

  • recognize children express grief physically by yelling, pounding or running it out.

  • allow children in grief to select the play activities they need to work through their grief.

  • encourage the child to express his feelings through drawings and other creativity.

  • give the child something to do. It will combat his helplessness. For example, he can plant a memory tree, write a story, or take flowers to the grave.

  • read children's books which deal with loss so the child knows his feelings are normal.

  • use third-person language when talking to children. It is less threatening. Say, "Many children feel..." instead of "Do you feel...?"

  • look through photo albums with the child at pictures of the person who died.

  • talk about the loss whenever the child brings up the subject and answer only what is asked. Let the child be in charge of what he is ready to hear.

  • expect children to regress somewhat. They may cling to you, be afraid of the dark or wet the bed. Rocking and night lights are fine.

  • tell the child the exact cause of death "Grandma's heart wouldn't work anymore."

  • avoid running away by selling the house and moving; taking a long trip, etc. Children in grief need security in their lives after they have experienced a significant loss.
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