Griefworks BC – Grieving Parents

We seem to be on different timetables!

Mothers and fathers do not experience grief in the same way. For a moment, right after the death, grieving parents seem to grieve together, but from then on, may move at different rates and have different feelings. Furthermore, grief is intensely personal and directed inward. Reaching outside this inner world to help each other is difficult.

Women tend to show their feelings by talking about them. A mother may begin to bond with her baby as soon as she thinks she is pregnant. This bond is powerful and deep. She may feel the loss of her baby in her heart forever.

Men tend not to express their feelings as openly. This is cultural - men must be 'strong.' So a deeply felt loss might not show. And men seem to move through grief faster than women. They soon go back to work and into the business of life. But if a man accepts the differences and offers his partner time, understanding, and a listening ear, he has given gifts that will never be forgotten.

Grieving Mothers

"All I want to do is talk about what happened, about our baby, but he doesn't seem to want to talk. Doesn't he care about me? About our child? He doesn't realize how much that hurts."

"He went right back to work and seems like he's doing fine. I feel jealous that he's okay and I'm not."

"After a couple of weeks, everyone told me to just put it behind me, to forget about it, to go on. The support I'd had just disappeared."

Grieving Fathers

"I know she wants to talk about the baby, but when she starts crying, I don't know what to do. I feel so helpless."

"Everyone asked me, "How is she doing?' No one asked how I was doing. I lost my child, too."

"Men are supposed to 'fix' things, and this is something that cannot be fixed. How I wish I could make things better!"

Often a woman interprets her partner's tearless silence as lack of caring. He probably does care greatly but has difficulty showing it. Communication may be strained and tedious. Commit to working through this together. Your relationship depends on it.

Reprinted with permission from Parents' Grief: Help and Understanding After the Death of a Baby. To order a copy of the booklet, call 425-222-0844.

If you are a grieving parent and want to know more about Parents Grief, please view the Parents Grief section in our Book and Video Library.