Griefworks BC – Grieving

We are unique individuals. Our experiences are never the same as anyone else's experiences. This is also the case with grief. What will happen for one person may not happen for another. The feelings and ideas of one parent may not be the same for the other parent and so on.

There are some things that will influence how your grieving progresses.

1. What was your relationship with the person who died like?
Sometimes, it's a relief when someone dies because the relationship was troubled or abusive. Sometimes, that person was the only one who understood and supported you and now you feel very alone and afraid. There may have been some unfinished business that now can never be resolved. Whatever the situation, this will influence your grief journey.

2. Was the death sudden or anticipated?
Did the person die suddenly so there wasn't time to prepare? Sudden death may extend the grieving period if it was random, violent or seen as preventable. This situation now involves a traumatic situation that may require professional counselling.
Did you know that they were going to die? If you did, you may have had a chance to talk about important things and then came to an understanding.

3. How were you involved with the death?
Did you witness a violent or preventable death? How were you told about the death? The answers to these questions may reveal that you were traumatized as well as bereaved which probably means other support is needed.

4. What else is happening in your life?
If you're having other losses such as illness, moving, divorce, job/school changes, or stress, you have multiple losses to deal with at once. This may be overwhelming and hard to manage. Getting emotional support can really help.

5. How did you deal with other losses you have had?
If you chose not to think about past losses, this one may trigger a larger response because you are grieving all the losses at the same time. If you have not dealt with past losses, eventually one loss will bring it all to a head.

6. What support do you have in place?
It's hard to grieve alone. The main reason is because grieving is telling the story of the loss. If you don't have other people to tell the story to, it's hard to move along the grief journey.

7. What did the dying person want after their death?
Sometimes dying people think that they're being kind by telling their family not to go to the trouble of having a funeral. They may say, "Now I don't want you to go around moping after I'm gone!" or "Don't cry over me." What they don't realize is that they're putting pressure on you. Not to grieve is like asking the sun not to rise. People grieve when someone they love dies.

8. What is your expectation of your grief journey?
Often we hope that we will be over our grieving in a few weeks or months. Unless we've had a loss before, we won't know that the grief journey is intense, never simple and really not ever over. Things will get better in our lives. There will come a time when we can get through a day without crying or thinking of the person with longing but we will never forget them or the experience.

All or some of these factors will shape your grief journey. The answers to these questions may help you to return to life with some energy. It is helpful to reach out for support from friends, family or the community.

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