Griefworks BC – Death of a Baby

After the death of your baby, time alone will not heal your broken heart. You, yourself and only you are the one to decide if you will allow time to heal your wounds. Some people never get over the death of their child, while others are working at remembering yesterday and creating tomorrow. Here are some things to remember and do as you work with them.

Take time to grieve. Don't bury yourself with activity just so you can avoid having to think about the death of your baby. Instead, set aside some time to be alone to deal with your feelings, however painful they may be. Play music that will help you get to the passion of your grief. Surround yourself with memorabilia. But you can also take a vacation from grief.
Do something with your feelings. Journal. Put together a memory box or album. Sew something you had planned to make for the baby. Design a headstone for your baby's grave. Make a stitchery of your baby's name, birthdate, weight and length.
Design and send announcements of your baby's short life to your family and friends. When you put the acknowledgement in writing it helps underline the significant impact of this loss in your life.
Talk to others. Let your friends know how you feel. Tell them what you need. Seek out others who have also had an experience similar to your own.
Exercise. Do it even if you don't feel like it. Exercise won't get rid of grief, but it will release some of the pent-up stress of grief.
Put off major decisions for at least a year. Delay changing jobs or moving to another town until you feel certain that you has come to terms with your grief.
Be patient with your partner. Remember, everyone experiences grief in their own way. Another person may not be showing grief the same way you do, but that does not mean that the other person is not also feeling the loss deeply.
Be patient with yourself. Don't be disturbed if you aren't getting over the death of your baby as quickly as you had hoped. Assume that what you are experiencing is normal. Let yourself be inconsistent. Relapses are normal too.
Don't plan to get pregnant right away. You can't successfully say hello to your next baby until you have said goodbye to this baby...and saying goodbye takes time. You can't replace one baby with another. Even though the desire to be a parent is very strong, give yourself time. We recognize that in some situations where age is a factor, time is a privilege you don't have. Do all you can to have the support around you to help you through this difficult time.
Allow your next child to be his own person. Choose a new name. Don't imply that the new child is a replacement for this dead child by 'saving' the old name. This name rightfully belongs to your dead child. Each child deserves to have a special place in your heart.
Reach out to others who are in need. You may think you have nothing to offer until you have tried. One mother has chosen to do random acts of kindness to others in her child's memory.

Allow your child to change your life. There is a gift in your child's short life. At first it may be hard to imagine, but with time you will be amazed at what you will receive.

Reprinted with permission from Parents' Grief: Help and Understanding After the Death of a Baby. To order the complete booklet call 425-222-0844.