Griefworks BC - Miscarriage

What went wrong? What happened?

After the loss of a baby, there may be no satisfying answers. There may have been genetic, fetal, or external factors beyond anyone's control - yours or your doctor's. Most women can make lists of things they wish they had or had not done, but rarely is the death anyone's fault. So it's best not to try to fix blame. Evan an autopsy may offer no real answers. Just ask your doctor to explain as thoroughly as possible what happened and why. If the problem was genetic, seek genetic counselling before beginning another pregnancy.

Miscarriage. About one in three pregnancies ends in miscarriage. Most occur within the first 12 weeks. This loss may not receive much sympathy from others because there is usually no baby to see. But miscarriage may bring deep disappointment and a sense of failure. There may be envy - "Everyone has babies; why can't I?" The mother's depth of emotion may not be shared by her partner. He may seem more concerned about the mother's physical well-being. "Will she be okay?"

Ectopic Pregnancy. Ectopic means 'in the wrong place.' Occasionally a fertilized egg does not implant correctly in the uterus and begins to develop elsewhere, typically in one of the Fallopian tubes. This causes pain and pressure, usually requiring immediate surgery. Because the loss is so early in the pregnancy and may be a medical emergency, little mention is made of the developing baby. But the loss is still very real and may be felt deeply.

Stillbirth. A stillbirth occurs when a baby is born after 20 weeks gestation without a heartbeat and with no possibility of resuscitation. Sometimes an exam during pregnancy reveals that the baby has died. Other times the baby dies in labour. Either way, delivering a baby that is not alive is a tremendous shock. The emotional pain may seem much greater than the physical pain. It is desirable, with stillbirth, that parents see and hold the baby and take pictures.

Infant Death. There are many causes of infant death. The nightmare may begin with a premature birth and an uncertain outlook. Or there may be a birth defect, unexpected illness, or other complication. If your baby had obvious problems, friends and family may focus on the 'blessing' of death that keeps your child from a life of suffering. That may not comfort you right now. Sometimes death comes like a thief in the night - as with SIDS (Sudden Infant Death Syndrome). The shock from a seemingly healthy baby dying suddenly may be long-lasting.

Reprinted with permission from Parents' Grief: Help and Understanding After the Death of a Baby. To order the complete booklet call 425-222-0844.