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When their brother or sister dies, a child begins a journey of grief. The feelings the remaining children experience are confusing, painful and sometimes very intense. They need assistance to make sense of what is happening to them. It is important for parents to understand that, even though they are grieving the loss of their child, it is their role to help and support their other children. Siblings may respond to the death of their brother or sister in a number of ways. These responses may depend on the children's age, their relationship with the child who died, how long the illness lasted, if the death was sudden or expected, and many other factors. Denial This is a psychological term that means the child simply won't or can't accept that their sibling has died. They refuse to discuss it or even think it. This is their mind's way of protecting them from the intense emotional pain of grief over the death. With time and support, the denial will lessen and eventually, it will go away. Sadness When a loved one dies, people usually experience sadness. The sadness over the loss of a sibling can be quite intense. In children, the sadness may come and go, last for short bursts of time, and seem unrelated to their sibling. Children at this time may need extra comfort and support from the caring adults in their lives. Children can also use creativity to express feelings. Anxiety Sometimes, in the chaos that follows a death in the family, children fear that something bad may happen to them. They may worry that something may happen to their parents and/or other siblings. They wonder whose fault the death was. It is important to be truthful about the realities of life. You can't promise them that no one else will die. Reassure them that they will always be cared for. Some children may need more detail about who will be their caregivers should something happen. Anxiety may also arise if no one is talking about their own feelings. It may seem to the child that their brother or sister may have been forgotten. Times of anxiety may also occur when school starts, at family holidays, and other important milestones. Physical Children communicate their needs both verbally and non-verbally. When a death occurs, it is common for children to experience headaches, restlessness, sore throats, difficulty sleeping and changes in appetite. They may show unusual anger, hostility and stubbornness. Physical activity may help. Talking about the dead child will help. Sometimes talking with a trusted adult other than the parents is easier for a child. This is because children try very hard to protect their parents from the pain of grief. If the emotions of grief are not expressed, they may turn into physical problems. Children use physical activities and play to learn, release stress, and communicate. Give the child permission to play, laugh, and have fun, even while grieving. Anger and Blame A child whose sibling has died may express anger at the doctors and nurses for not saving their brother or sister. They may be angry with their parents for not having prevented the death somehow. They may just generally be angry with the world or with God or a higher power for allowing this injustice to happen. Many times this anger remains hidden. The child is reluctant to share it because they may not have the words, or they may be afraid of their parents' response. However, the rage and hostility are being felt by the child and may come out without warning, or in seemingly unrelated ways. Families may need help in figuring out how to deal with this anger. Anger in a child and other family members can create unhealthy results such as stealing, dropping out of school, hurting themselves or other people, etc. Guilt In surviving children, a common and often harmful response to their brother or sister's death is anger directed at themselves which, in turn, produces guilt. This situation stems from the normal sibling rivalry that existed in the family before the death. There may have been natural competition for attention or position in the family. A child may have said, "I wish you were dead!" Younger children may believe that their thoughts or statement killed their sibling. Sometimes this situation puts the child in a bind. If they admit their thoughts to their parents, they may be punished for having the thoughts so they try to live with their guilt on their own. This only leads to more problems such as physical concerns, behavioral changes and emotional outbursts. They may begin to believe that they are the ones that should have died; that they don't deserve to enjoy themselves. They may seek out punishment. They may even contemplate suicide. Sometimes these feelings last for years. Parents should gently encourage their child to talk about these feelings. It may also be helpful to seek support from outside the family. Perhaps the child died as a result of a tragic accident while under the care of an older sibling. This also results in an enormous burden of guilt. In discussing this situation, parents should emphasize that the death was in no way intentional; that everyone makes mistakes and is not perfect; and that after a death of this kind, everyone in the family should work towards forgiving themselves. Unresolved guilt turns to bitterness. It is difficult to get rid of bitterness. Talking about the guilt and supporting each other is a powerful way to ease the guilt. Depression Some signs of depression in children are: changes in sleeping or eating habits; a tendency to keep to themselves; inability to concentrate; increased irritability, decreased energy levels. If you are concerned that your child may be depressed, contact your physician. The grief reaction and depression may seem similar. It is recognized that grief may become depression if these responses do not lessen over time. Children and teens may feel that they are the only ones who are experiencing grief. They may believe that no one else would know how they are feeling or what they are experiencing. Peer support grief groups are very helpful. Check the resources in your community on this site. Return to Top