COMMUNITY LOSS Our Response to Loss The Grief Response

Each person's grief is different... Each person in your family or in your community will react to loss through death in their own way. There is no single way that is 'normal.' This does not mean that they grieve less deeply or with less pain. It means they are who they are, and your way does not work for them. Understanding these differences will help to avoid feelings of frustration or anger at others because they don't seem to be outwardly grieving or they don't seem to care. They may be grieving in ways that you don't see. Their grief may be very private. The wave of grief... When a boy found his sister's teddy bear behind the VCR he stood in the middle of the room and cried and cried. He was feeling the wave of sadness, helplessness and anger over the loss of his sister who had died two months before. He had no warning that the wave of grief was going to happen. It just did. When a man, shopping in the produce department of a grocery store, thought about his wife who had died the previous year, he began to cry. Again, he had no warning and he couldn't have stopped it if he had tried. The memories and the grief washed over him. You may also experience this wave of grief. Even though publicly expressing sadness after the funeral is not encouraged, people are becoming more educated about grief and loss. You may be surprised at the support you receive from those around you. Family and others close to you may really want to help, if asked.  Death will always be a hard thing to accept. Turning feelings off... Sometimes, when there is great emotional pain from loss, the only way to protect ourselves is to go numb. In psychological terms, this numbness is called denial or shock and, early on, it is a necessary protection for emotional health. And the thought of ever feeling anything again may be frightening. Talking with someone about the loss is a very useful way to relieve the numbness so that you can carry on with life. Turning thoughts off... It may seem impossible to actually believe that the death has occurred. This is also a way the mind protects itself against this unimaginable pain. As time passes, you will be able to slowly accept the reality of your loss. Turning feelings into actions... Some people find it hard to express deep feelings. Instead, they choose to keep themselves busy with hard work. Or, they get involved in worthy campaigns like Mothers Against Drunk Driving to help create something positive from the death. Turning feelings into physical symptoms... Other people may want to, but not know how to, express their feelings of loss. When grief stays inside, it can show itself physically: headache, itchy skin, nausea, neck or chest pain, insomnia, changes in appetite, to name a few. These conditions should always be checked by your physician. However, if there is no physical reason for the symptoms, consider talking about your loss with someone you trust. Turning feelings into spiritual questions... You may experience spiritual reactions to your loss. Many people question their faith as they feel the sense of injustice at their child's death. Again, it is wise to discuss these issues of death with your spiritual advisor or another trusted person. Return to Top